Personal Battles

It has been some time now since I started approaching my original goal weight of being 225 pounds. When I reached 250 pounds, I realized this was now much too simple of a goal so I made a new goal to lose a total of 220 pounds. Weighing 200 pounds sounded like a good number since my top weight was 420 pounds.

When I first started my journey I really only wanted to set a goal of losing 100 pounds! Deep inside my mind, I was thinking it would be virtually impossible to lose 100 pounds, let alone 200 pounds! I had come to a point in my life that I was willing to put all my trust in God, believing Him, and to just go for it! I wanted to see what I could do! Little did I know, where this journey would really truly lead me…

The last 2 and a half years has flown by – as I sit back to think about all that I’ve been through, I have come to realize just how much I’ve truly accomplished, learned and changed! Up until a few weeks ago when sharing my journey and before pictures with others they would say, “WOW, that was really you? What did you do? What made you change?” and I would think to myself, “I really didn’t do all that much…” Then I would tell them I stopped eating junk food by eating clean, changed the way I thought about myself by clearing the mind, and started exercising and a few other things, and I realized that I did quite a lot! If they would inquire on the “other things” I would tell them it was also reading the Holy scriptures, praying to God daily and keeping a prayer in my heart throughout the day, meditation, etc… When I read through my journal entries I truly can see how much I’ve changed mentally, spiritually and physically. My mind is sharper than it has ever been before. Ideas, scriptures, things in general now make much more sense. One thing I want to share with you is the realization I had when I thought I really knew all there was to know about a subject I was studying, I realized that was not true! I ended up realizing what I had learned made me ask more questions… and asking more questions opened even more doors, then even more doors! I now know to stop thinking I know all there is to know! I find it amazing how much knowledge one can learn but still continue learning!

As mentioned previously, people ask me what the turning point in my life was which made me want to make a change… My answer to this now is, “It’s not just one thing, but many different events which led up to the point where I was finally willing to make the change!” So, this time I really gave it all I could as I was ready and willing to make all the necessary changes!

Events Which Took Place

The scale I own goes up to 415 pounds, so anything above this number shows “Err2”. As I think back to this event and seeing the words “Error” displayed on the screen for the first time, I just knew it was going to be impossible to have any hope in losing any weight, let alone become healthy again!

Late one night while at the movie theater (another way I found refuge besides eating food was escaping life by going to the movies), I saw a scale in the men’s restroom. It had been about two months since I started getting the error message on my scale and I thought I would see what this scale told me, or if it would error out too! After looking around the restroom and not seeing or hearing anyone (I also checked to see if anyone was coming in by looking out the door), I stepped on the scale, deposited my 25 cents and the numbers started appearing… When they finally stopped and displayed my weight on the digital readout I was personally relieved as I thought I weighed much more then what was showing. At this time I was not eating good foods, plus eating more then I should’ve been eating… I thought the scale was going to show 450 or more because at this time in my life my bed’s box spring starting breaking when getting out of bed. Hearing the wood splinter under the weight I was now carrying around with me. The scales readout showed 420.2 pounds! This did bring a spark of hope to me, but my mind was telling me, “Why even bother with it, who cares about you or your feelings anyhow…” My own mind was telling me I was a loser, or in other words, I told myself I was not worth it…

At this point in my life I also needed to start standing further away from doors which opened towards me or my stomach would stop the door from opening all the way. I remember clearly the first time this happened, opening the door and not being able to open it because it stopped since my stomach was in the way even though I was standing in the same spot I normally stood in – I’m not sure you can ever imagine or completely understand the negative thoughts racing through my head, the sadness I felt, the hurt I felt mentally, the pain of how I could live my life this way… I must’ve stood there for about a minute… at the time I was all alone, no one to share this with… not even our Heavenly Father because I was so ashamed! At this time I was so far gone in my thoughts and had no hope left, I couldn’t even cry…

Another turning point for me was while driving my car, in order to fit I needed to put the seat all the way back, I mean ALL the way back since my stomach was now touching the steering wheel.

During all of this I wasn’t doing anything to lose weight and all these things kept contributing to me eating more because food was what helped me deal with what I as going through in life! Sure I knew deep down inside I shouldn’t be eating the things I was then eating, but I found comfort in eating!

I now see and realize I was my own worst enemy back in those days! I was beating myself up emotionally by thinking I was a huge disappointment in life. Who could ever love someone such as I? I never had thoughts of taking my own life and I thank my family and the religion I belong to for teaching me to hold on and to never give up especially how hard life could get… I also strongly believed I would only leave this earthly life when God was ready for me to return home, when my mission on earth was fulfilled! As you can now read and see it is not my time and I know there is so much more to be done before departing this earthly life. This is yet another reason I started on my journey, I still have so much to do and if I did not make a change I would not be living today!

These are but a few of the turning points in my life! To fully explain everything which happened, for you to have a better understanding of all the things I went through starting as a young child I would need to write a book. Now some of you may be asking the question if I plan on writing a book and to answer your question, “Yes I plan to write a book, in fact, I already started writing one!”

Life Events

We all go through personal battles in life. It’s how we react that makes us who we are! Do we sit back and let these life events take us down? Or do we become a warrior and fight back? I was on the verge of giving up all hope which, in a way, I did give up but Heavenly Father stepped in by way of people I knew, the few friends I had in my life at this time! During different periods in my life these friends took time to talk to me, to show me they cared about me, and I can now see they loved me enough to call me out on what I was doing to myself! The first couple of times people talked to me I felt a spark and held onto this spark for a few days, but it soon sputtered out! The truth be told, I only remember three distinct times being spoken to and I am sure there were many other times people said something or a family member told me something, but those times are all filtered out of my mind and I cannot remember. I somewhat recall my father talking to me, but I was in my own world and my mind was telling me things that I believed to all be true about myself! I had thought that no one other than my family cared about me so this was why Heavenly Father knew the only way he could reach me was by sending me messengers! Yes, angels do truly exist, they live among us…

There was a point where I finally opened my eyes after one of these earthly angels spoke to me. I started to see life was worth fighting for! It was worth living! I started to see again there was more to life and I needed to start living! Hope was sparked anew within me! I also remember thinking it would be hard, if not impossible! I put those fears and thoughts in a different part of my mind because I knew I could do this, or at least give it “another” try as there was nothing else to lose!

This was in October 2013 when I started juicing. I was going to start writing my blog and let everyone one know what it was I was going to be doing – but I had only put those fears and thoughts in a different part of my mind so they were still there, still lurking, waiting to resurface. I did pretty well the first 3 weeks but then slowly started getting back into eating all the bad foods again. I had lost weight but started gaining it all back again…

There were many battles going on in my life in addition to food. Yes I was and am addicted to food – back then it numbed the pain I felt! I got into the bad habit of watching TV after work. I would sit for hours watching show after show (all the while eating food) since watching shows took me to another place where I didn’t need to think about my own life. I would also play video games, which also numbed my pain too!

When I say pain, I mean the depression I felt, the negative thoughts I was thinking, emotionally beating myself up! At the time this was all going on, I had no idea I was doing this, I just knew if I did these other things I would feel different for a time… I now know the truth and can give it a name. This is why I write and share this. I want others to know they do not need to suffer any longer no matter what it is they are going through! I want their eyes to be opened as my eyes were opened. I want them to “Shatter Their Own Personal Prisons” they’ve built as I continue to break mine down today…

Life is amazing! Life is difficult! Life is fun! We need to remember why we are here living and focus on our goals and achievements in life. We all have different journeys and we all go through our own trials as trials are what make us who we are. There are times when we reach a point where we need others, we need angels, to help us through and lift us up to become the great warriors we are!

I do not question why I went through what I went through, nor do I blame anyone! I take responsibility for all I did because no one can make us do anything or even force us to do anything we do not want to do even with the consequences that may follow. We are in charge of our own lives! God gave us agency; this is why things happen on earth. We make our own choices! The great thing about life is we are able to change. We are able to live our dreams and become who we want to be! So start living your life the way you want to live it! If you are the person that points the finger towards others and says, “they made me do this!” stop doing it and take responsibility for yourself. Start fighting your own personal battle and become a Warrior…